The Melodramtic Life of Lauren-Elizabeth

[Ridley]

The Melodramatic Life of Lauren-Elizabeth

A tale based on false realities, and almost entirely untrue facts; created solely for the amusement of its readers.

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You know those diary things people always tell you to keep? Well…this could be considered one I guess. I was never much into keeping these things, but after recent events, I decided it’s best to record these so called ‘events’ in my life, due to the fact I’d like to die laughing; who better to die laughing at than myself?

So…these intro things. At the moment, I’m currently unmarried [*OLO, I really hope I’m unmarried! 15 for Merlin’s sake! And yes…I just said Merlin…you know why? Because he’s just as mythological as God. Only difference, alchemists –some of the very first scientists– wrote about Merlin. Not the dehydrated, hallucinating, camel-shagging people who claim burning bushes talked to them. Dear readers, I present to you the first users of LSD.]

Wow…re-reading over that last paragraph...that was all a side note. Now don’t I feel special? Going off on tangents like that! And…like I’m now doing. -.-

Okay, right. Back on track. Well, my name is Lauren Dominique Mulholland. And I’d like to start out by stabbing my middle name. Curse the drug on which my mother was on to give me such a horrendous name! And robbed me out of a tradition thingy too! I was supposed to be named Lauren Elizabeth [which, by the way, I shall be getting my name legally changed to], but no…have to name me Dominique. Which, I’d like to add, is a black person’s name. And my mother is flipping Mexican/Cuban!! What is wrong with this picture?! Great…I’m an Irishican [Irish-Mexican] with a black person’s middle name…not to mention the over used, drab, boring, and completely common Lauren.

Oh that dreaded name.

And never once have I ever had a nickname through out school. Never. Ever. In my life. Does anyone have ANY idea what kind of damage that has done to me?!

Oh yes. Years of therapy will come from this.

And as for the last name? Merely proof of my Irish heritage…that and the pasty white skin that comes along with it. Now, normally I wouldn’t be too bummed about this, but it’s the Mexican part I’m getting bummed about. Now tell me, how would you like having black, and I mean black, hair for EVERY[/u] part of your body? The only thing blonde is the bit of peach fuzz on my cheeks! And what makes it stand out even more? My lovely pasty white skin! Oh joy!

Yet again scarred for life.

Good-bye bikinis, and hello one-piece!

For. The. Rest. Of. My. Damned. Life.

Unless I consider shocking the hell out of myself to stop hair growth…but then that’s just male pattern baldness on my body. Not very attractive, eh? Yes…and you THOUGHT you loved me. HA! That is until you notice the hairs on me…it’s not a lot, I really have no more than any other non-penis bearing person out there, it’s just that fact the hair on me is more noticeable.

Which makes it seem like more…despite the fact I seen some hairy-ass blonde chicks walking around, but no one really cares, because they have no ass, are pencil thin, can’t tell left from right, stupid, completely attractive, stupid, dumbass...mother…cock suc—

I’ll stop there. You get the point.

And if you don’t? Well than shoo. Loserville is that way. *points over shoulder*

And once more, I went off on a tangent.

I’m really not very good at these on task things, eh? I mean—holy crap! I’m Canadian! Wait till Garry sees me now! He’ll be so proud!!

…

And may I present Exhibit A. [hint: look above.]

I must have ADD or something.

Yet another mental illness to add to my list. So far I’m up to paranoia, schizophrenia [Karen so delightfully proves that time and time again], OCD [Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder], bipolar, mild forms of depression, eating and sleeping [can’t sleep…body is seemingly hyped on caffeine 24/7] disorders, hypochondrisim, severe cases of different phobias, and now to add ADD [Attention Deficient Disorder]

Anyway…once more, going to attempt to remain on task.

….

Yeah, screw that. I don’t need a fucking introduction! Here we go, me in a [rather crude] nutshell:

Brown, shoulder length hair with caramel highlights on the ends. Blue-green eyes often hidden behind black glasses similar to those of Tina Fey. Golden-brown tanned skin, or completely white [there really is no in-between]. About 5’4”…5’5” if posture is correct. Approx. 130lb, with a semi-athletic build. My IQ is 139 [so I’m not your average country hick…I can be readin’ ‘n right…en!!] Broad shoulders advertising years of swimming practice. Large chest….or at least large enough to create jealousy among classmates , and enough to win the class election for largest boobs; never really sure if I was to be flattered or not…it just meant they were all staring. o.0 Average sized hands, and feet. Silver medallion and a brown leather cuff with two light brown stripes running near edge [worn on left wrist]; never taken off unless I’m in the shower. Medallion is engraved with a pegasus and a phoenix; cuff engraved with the letters W.W.J.D.D? Fashion sense? None what so ever. Found only in jeans or cargos with matching shirt and hat.

Now…as for personality? Well, I love mirrors, because I enjoy making funny faces. I hate the beach [all that sand up your crack and no where to pee besides the ocean; and those stupid jelly fish. I hate them too.], and tourists can be rather bothersome. Drawing and writing are loads of fun, and so is reading…if I get to pick out the book. Love hanging out at the mall or at the movies. My idea of a good time is sitting around a café with m friends and talking about Merlin knows what, or out with my Dad’s side of the family…because they like to have family get togethers at bars [and that means I can drink!]. And my idea of a romantic night out? When my date takes me out to a place where we can sit and watch the stars. And like I said…got a pretty mellow personality, but a very funny one at that. One is definitely never bored around me, because when everyone is bored, then I take it upon myself to provide entertainment…however that may be!

*is ignoring how wrong that sounded*

See? I just summed up my ENTIRE appearance in one paragraph, AND my entire personality in another…and people expected me to actually write pages of what I look like. Bah! They’re out of their minds. Everyone knows I’m supposed to be reading a book I have a report on that’s due on Friday! And they think I have time? Poppy-cock! I only have enough time to procrastinate writing this.

So, with that being said…might as well write something memorable. A life quote…some of the wise words of Lauren.

Life’s a bitch…and then you die.

Well, now that you are filled with deep words from me, and have been briefed with my FASCINATING introduction [*glares* and it will be fascinating, won’t it?], I’m afraid I must end this rather comical writing to go read that damned book [which, btw, I’m already ready to gouge my eyes out]

So until my next entry…

Remember that there is more than one way to skin a cat; my personal favorite is boiling it in a vat of acid.

With much…erm…that word in which people say to express how much they enjoy being around one another because they’re getting out of reading a book—

Karen: You mean love?

Yeah! That’s the one!

Karen: Good job…talking to yourself again.

Oh shut up! I’m not talking to you anymore!

Karen: You just did.

Starting now!

Karen: Did it again.

Bite me.

So anyway…

That love thing,
Lauren[/center]

Post script: *OLO is an abrvieation for O Luminous One. That is the nick name for someone i'm very fond of, and only the more daring of those who knew him ever called him that. I am one of those more daring.

[Ridley]

You know how people always say try your best at what ever you do? Well...what if you couldn't do your best because you really didn't know what you wanted to do.

Lost.
Alone.
Distant.
Cold.
Empty.
Hollow.

Call it what ever you like...i just feel...incomplete. It's the most awful feeling in the world, and it's all because of something silly. A few minutes ago was the first time i've ever really given any thought to my life. I finally realized that I haven’t accomplished anything in my 14 years on earth…nothing at all. Most people say “You’ve got your whole life ahead of you! Don’t worry!”, but I do. I do worry because I’ve realized time is running out. I still try to find humor in my situation, but yet the only thing I can come up with is I’m hitting my mid-life crisis far too early.

My teacher, Mr. Browning, told me once upon a long time ago:

"It doesn't matter what you do in life...as long as you find your happiness."

Well...i sat and thought what really makes me happy?

Then i flashed forward once more...time is running out. I have 2 years to decide what i want to major in, and then i submit my forms to collage, and i start taking the prep courses.

2 years is not long at all. It seems like it, but it's really not. I can still remember back to my kindergarten class...and that was 7 years ago...seems like just yesterday.

Well, i thought of everything that made me happy, and i tried to turn it into a job, but i failed every time.

Just a waste of life.

My self introspection hasn't really revealed anything, but i guess i'm just insecure. I am the type of person that never fits in because I never dare to choose. I'm convinced I have absolutely no talent at all. For anything. And that thought has taken away all my ambition too.

Now i'm just floating...not really existing, but just like an empty shell. Just going to get rich, and retire fast. Forcing myself to do things i hate, all for the sake of getting out of this place and living on my own.

I mean, i want to go to Canada, and my goal was to get in and out of collage ASAP so i could get a job and move up there...sadly, i feel as if my dreams are crashing down around me, for now i try to consider all the possibilities i realize that there is nothing out there. Nothing out there that attracts me.

But then I realize I love writing! Surely I could do that!

But that would make life difficult for me…either people love me and I make some cash, or they hate me and I’m fucked. Everything in that world is based solely on commissions. Sure, I’d love to be the next great American novelist, but I know that will never happen.

Then I think of my other passion: acting. I love drama, and would love more than anything to be the next Keira Knightley, or Johnny Depp, or even Sean Connery; an actor so talented and famous that you could say my name to anyone, and already they’d know who I was. Not for the fame aspect, but just for the fact that I was respected for something…skilled in something. Just to know I’ve accomplished something.

…but that can never be. I would get my start in the theatre by taking drama! Surely I could get recognition there…but I can’t. I can’t stand in front of an audience and perform. I just can’t. I’ll mess up my lines, or freeze up. I have horrible cases of stage fright. But with a movie…there are no limits. If you mess up, oh well…they cut the scene and you get another chance. But how can I get to into a movie if I can’t even show anyone how great I could be…

I can’t.

I sit through 'Career Planning' for 2 hours every other day, and it's supposed to help you decided, but all it's done is confuse me.

I'm hopeless.

I have no idea what i want to do with my life, and i can barely see 2 feet in front of me—figuratively speaking. For the first time, i'm scared. I don't know what’s coming at me.

I'm blind.

To the world and all its challenges. I try to find that one glimmer of happiness, but every time i do someone, or something finds away to dim that small light every time.

Like for instance...here. Chole, and Garry, and Sasha...you guys mean so much to me. Far more than i should ever let someone over the internet be, and far more than you'll ever realize.

Just talking to you guys makes me happy. It always does. Just the fun, positive atmosphere of this site can brighten my day because everything melts away by just writing…letting my fingers dance across the keys as we add on to this never ending novel of ours.

But then i think, and i remember...how long will this last? What if we move to a site? What if one of us gets a life, and never comes on? In reality, as much as i think i love and know you guys...i really don't.

In reality, i'll probably never see you, or hear from you again. Garry and Sasha and Chole...give it two, three more years and that's it. It's all over. We'll never speak again. Hell, maybe one! It's a miracle we've been together for a year!

And it sickens me...some of my most memorable friends are people i've never met...some of the people i seemingly know and love the most, i'll never see.

School? Life? Home? It's all shit...just more and more ways to darken what little hope i have left.

Everything that means so much is so easily taken away...

and i can't do anything to stop it.

It's so simple...all my mom has to do is turn my internet off and i'll never see you guys again. Ever.

And believe me, she's threatened to do so.

Everything in this life that i once thought made me happy, is just another pitfall for emotions. I almost don't even want to go on...can you actually believe i thought about suicide today? It was just a way to end it all...prevent my pain.

Die with a happy thought.

But i realized...that's the cowards way out. For people who can't cope...sadly, i can cope, but it just aches to do so. And i'm tempted...very tempted...just to inflict pain. To know that i can still feel, despite how hollow i feel at the moment. But I know it gets worse before it gets better, so never could I ever bring myself to go through with it, because then I’ll never really get to know that ‘what if’. Hell, I wouldn’t do that! I want to be old enough to drink! And drive! Not at the same time, or course, but I mean…just to do all the things that seem like I can’t do now. No, suicide is not an option, and I’m glad I’m intelligent enough to realize that.

So now i'm empty...just a shell...a waste of time...hopeless, and a waste of life. It has no meaning for me anymore, because i chat with everyone on the site, and i feel a deep aching in my heart, knowing all it takes is one day...one day and that may be the last time for anything.

I look at my friend. So happy with her boyfriend...but they're not going to get married...hell, give them a month or two and they'll break up! Just set up for heart ache...that's all i see them as. Happy one moment, depressed the next.

Nothing has meaning because nothing will stay the same. It will all change, and it could be for the worst. So I figured something...life is like a big, dumb puppy. A puppy with big teeth that can hurt you. It will bite you and make sure you never rise again.

Well i've hit that point, and for once in my life i'm wondering:

Why should i rise? What good does it do me?

I've realized one thing...love is just a feeling to get us to reproduce. It's nothing more. I say i love you all, but the question is, do you really love me?

The answer is no. You don't...and you never truly will. I could die and you'd never know...or lets say you found out. Perhaps you'd be sad for a day...maybe a week, but then it's over. Not like you really know me.

I'm nothing special.

I’m nothing at all.

Just a shell programmed only to pass whatever i'm doing...almost afraid to think and imagine...afraid to do anything but what i'm told.

And i hear my teacher's immortal words over and over again in my head:

"Find your happiness..."

Well, i'm stranded in a endless plain with no map. So now i sit on the ground in that endless expanse and i say my immortal words:

"I’m lost, and I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever be found."


A lost and hopeless,
Lauren.